I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
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Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.