My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
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Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”