To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
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he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings