sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
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Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.