What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
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Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course