SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
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I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me