Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
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Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Carpe DM
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.