DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
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I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken