I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
⛄️
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store