omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
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My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ