INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
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Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.