wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
You Might Also Like
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.