“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
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Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I love twitter
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Breaking news:
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
When libraries troll their patrons.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore