In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
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waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.