‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.