If poetry is dead, then explain this:
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fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I just stopped by to water my horse.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.