My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
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People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Yes my dude
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax