“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
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If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I think this should do it.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.