I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
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If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
couldn’t resist
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
the greatest twitter interaction
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.