How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
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You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.