*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
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Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.