My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
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Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season