“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
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Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
i want to work in this restaurant
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
i think we should see other cousins
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.