I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
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I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”