God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
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How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Shower sex be like:
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*