Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
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Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.