When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
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Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis