[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
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“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
You better watch out
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.