I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
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Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
called in thicc to work this morning
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.