when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds