“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
😎 🍻
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.