I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
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Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My boss called in sick of me
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
work smarter, not harder
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably