So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
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I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Happy weekend !
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?