Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
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jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Sheep
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.