Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
You Might Also Like
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Does your wife know you’re single?
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
The news
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it