Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao