Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
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My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.