Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
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The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’