***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
You Might Also Like
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I did not eat the cake…
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.