“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
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I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
RT if you could go either way.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.