Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
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I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
$3 #books
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.