There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
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ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Running from your problems is cardio .
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
This week’s mood.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.