It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
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JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
somebody come look at this
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.