interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
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“I wouldn’t.”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me