please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
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Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet