I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes