women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
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I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Happy Halloween 🎃
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?