Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
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Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Poetry is my passion
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*