Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
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I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Crying is a sign of leakness.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I’ve been drinking.