Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
also my go-to takeaway order
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos